"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down."

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more."

"Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?"

"The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."

"Eternity is a long time, especially towards the end."

"Bisexuality automatically doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

"Sometimes love will pick you up by the short hairs...and jerk the heck out of you."

"Its okay to get jacked up and head out onto the highway, but I've been there and I can tell you that the fast lane is littered with countless smoldering wrecks."

"Masochism is a valuable job skill."

"The use of force alone is but temporary. It may subdue for a moment; but it does not remove the necessity of subduing again: and a nation is not governed, which is perpetually to be conquered."

"Luck, bad if not good, will always be with us. But it has a way of favoring the intelligent and showing its back to the stupid."

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either."